What every kitchen appliance needs — a garage door opener

For some reason I’m seeing quite a few stories about “Dream Kitchens.”

This month’s Consumer Reports, for example, is devoted to the subject. The cover reads “Your dream kitchen for less.” It has articles on floors, cabinets and counters. On dishwashers, refrigerators and even appliance stores.

I have no idea who dreams about kitchens? Sleepwalkers who end up in their kitchens perhaps. Or people who have given up on dreams of peace, harmony and $3-a-gallon gas.

And why kitchens, of all rooms? Why don’t they have fantasies about “dream closets” or “dream toilets” or “dream bedrooms”?

Sometimes after large parties, I am left with a “nightmare kitchen,” which I wish were a dream. But that’s another story.

Meanwhile, a significant segment of society seems to have this thing about kitchens.

I got my first inkling of weird kitchen fantasies a few years ago when I heard reference made to “appliance garages.” Apparently dream kitchens have so many appliances that they must be stored in mini, countertop garages.

It’s a fascinating concept and tonight for some reason (no, drugs weren’t involved) it occurred to me that a small fortune might be made creating appliance-garage door openers.

Sitting on the patio while we ate enchiladas, my wife indulged my appliance-garage door opener concept. Of course, I offered, the door opener would have to have a remote, like a real garage. Like our own two-car garage, in fact.

Some kitchen dreamers might even want an appliance garage door opener built into their REAL garage door opener. As they drive up at the end of a day’s labors, they could open BOTH garages simultaneously. Entering the dream kitchen, the would-be cook would find the appliances at the ready to slice, dice, whip, blend and puree.

But why stop there? As nice as it would be to have a remote appliance garage door opener, the real hassle with appliances is getting them out and then back in to the garage.

How about automated sliding palettes for each appliance? On the remote you could push a “blender” button, a “Cuisinart” button, or a “toaster” button. There’d be buttons for the coffee maker, the mixer and the can opener. Inside the garage, a carousel would spin around and then push the required appliance out the door.

As useful as the garage and its opener would be to dream-kitchen appliance management, they fail to address the greatest appliance nuisance of all: grunge. Or, to be precise: GLOBS.

So the garage should come with some kind of internal appliance-cleaning mechanism. Sonic, perhaps, like they have for dentures. A more direct approach might be a high-pressure spray. The Kaddy Car Wash people right here in Portland might be called in as consultants on this one. The whole garage would be built over some kind of drain board and sump, and inside would be sprayers. spinning appliance brushes and nozzles blasting jets of hot air.

My appliance garage/washer would be a dream come true for all those kitchen dreamers.

Come to think of it, how have we managed all these years without appliance garages and washers equipped with remote controls? I mean really!

No self-respecting dream kitchen or kitchen dreamer should be without one.

Consumer Reports, here I come!